The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.

She looks up and asks “What are you staring at?”

“A spider,” he replies.

“I don’t see anything.”

“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he says calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming.

The man says, “While you’re up, you mind getting me another beer?”

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and ugly, they don’t have jobs and hate children.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short, but handsome, haev decent jobs, and hate children.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and handsome, have well paying jobs, don’t really care for children, but want to get married.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall, handsome, have all the money in the world, are romantic and sensual, love children, are not jealous, and will marry you on the spot.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman. Please go down on the escalator to your right.”

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything.

Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness.

Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper.

The student leaves without looking at the paper.

However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’

Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?

They’re going 2 STICK! Careful… CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

The first man married a nurse.

Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have sexy voices.”

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave thinks to himself, “Poor guy, teachers are frigid.

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse’s husband.

He sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a nurse.

All I heard last night was ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary.’”

Then, the telephone operator’s husband calls and sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a telephone operator.

All I heard last night was ‘Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.’”

Later that afternoon, the teacher’s husband calls and happily says, “When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher.

All I heard last night was ‘We are going to do this over and over until we get right.’”

“But my left arm is much longer than my right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is so cheap,” the salesman explained. “Just lift your left shoulder a little, like this, and tuck the left collar under your chin a little, like this.”

“But the right leg is too short,” protested the customer.

“No problem,” replied the salesman. “Just keep your right knee slightly bent, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”

Finally, the man bought the suit, raised his left shoulder, tucked the left lapel of the suit under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store and to his car.

Two passing attorneys noticed him. “Oh my God,” the first lawyer said to the second, “look at this poor crippled man.

“Yes,” replied the second lawyer.

“But don’t you look good in that suit?!”

If you got a kick out this joke please be sure to pass it along to your family and friends!

… and every year Buddy would say, ‘Edna, I want to ride in that helicopter.

And Edna would always say, ‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Buddy said, “Edna, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t get on that helicopter, I may never get another chance.

“Dude, the helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars,” Edna replied.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Guys, I’m going to make you a deal, I’m going to take you both for a ride, and if you’re quiet the whole ride and don’t say a word, I’m not going to charge you a dime! But if you say one word, fifty dollars.

Buddy and Edna agreed and got on the plane.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daring tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, “Wow, I did everything I could to get you to scream, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!

Buddy replied, “To tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna went down, but you know…”

“Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

You don’t make her say things twice

Tell us the secret of this happiness or we’ll consider you as a diffident”

“Well, I can shortly explain

After our wedding, she started riding her horse and so was I

My horse’s feet got caught

She knelt right next to the horse and she said “once”.

We rode a few metres, then my horse’s feet got caught again

She knelt right next to the horse and she said “twice”.

A few minutes later it happened again, she knelt right next to horse and she said “third”

Then she shot him in the face

I was shocked.

I yelled at her: “Why did you do that, are you out of your mind?”

She turned her back and told me “once”

And since that day, i don’t make her say things twice.

“Hey – check this out,” he said to his wife, “this stub is 20 years old

I wonder if the shop still has the shoes.”

So the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes.

The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes.

When he returned, he replied happily, “Yup, believe it or not, we’ve still got the shoes

They’ll be ready next Thursday.”

For starters, the first guy said, “You have no idea what I did this weekend to be able to go fishing with you.” On Saturday, I promised my wife that I would paint the whole house. The other guys nodded to show that they understood how hard it was to negotiate with their wives.

But the second guy’s story quickly beat out his friend’s. He yelled, “That’s nothing!” “I promised my wife I’d build her a new pool deck.” Her dream trip to fish was the only way to make it come true after years of wanting it.”

The third guy, who was paying close attention, added his own story. He told them, “You both have it easy!” “I promised my wife that I would redo the whole kitchen for her.” I know it will be a lot of work, but I just had to join you guys on this fishing trip.”

As they fished some more, they looked over at the fourth man who had been quiet. The boys finally gave in and asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.” What’s going on?”

When he told his secret, the fourth guy had a sly grin on his face. Well,” he started, “I just set my alarm for 5:30. When it rang, I turned it off, gave my wife a light push, and asked, “Fishing or something else?” Guess what she said? “Put on a sweater.”

The other guys laughed out loud at how smart he was for getting away for a fishing trip. Things don’t always go as planned when you make a simple, straight choice.

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