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\nAh, suburbia! Where the grass is always greener on the other side, mainly because your neighbor\u2019s sprinkler system is better than yours. That\u2019s where I, Kristie, wife of Thompson, decided to plant my roots with my 8-year-old son, Jake. Life was as smooth as a freshly botoxed forehead until our new neighbor, Lisa, moved in next door.\n
It started on a Tuesday. I remember because it was laundry day, and I was folding a mountain of tiny superhero underwear, courtesy of Jake\u2019s latest obsession.\n
Glancing out his bedroom window, I nearly choked on my coffee. There, flapping in the breeze like the world\u2019s most inappropriate flag, was a pair of hot pink, lacy panties.\n
And they weren\u2019t alone. Oh no, they had friends \u2014 an entire rainbow of undies dancing in the wind, right in front of my son\u2019s window.\n
\u201cHoly guacamole,\u201d I muttered, dropping a pair of Batman briefs. \u201cIs this a laundry line or Victoria\u2019s Secret runway?\u201d\n
Jake\u2019s voice piped up behind me, \u201cMom, why does Mrs. Lisa have her underwear outside?\u201d\n
\n
My face burned hotter than my malfunctioning dryer. \u201cUh, sweetie. Mrs. Lisa just\u2026 really likes fresh air. Why don\u2019t we close these curtains, huh? Give the laundry some privacy.\u201d\n
\u201cBut Mom,\u201d Jake persisted, his eyes wide with innocent curiosity, \u201cif Mrs. Lisa\u2019s underwear likes fresh air, shouldn\u2019t mine go outside too? Maybe my Hulk undies could make friends with her pink ones!\u201d\n
I stifled a laugh that threatened to turn into a hysterical sob. \u201cHoney, your underwear is\u2026 shy. It prefers to stay inside where it\u2019s cozy.\u201d\n
As I ushered Jake out, I couldn\u2019t help but think, \u201cWelcome to the neighborhood, Kristie. Hope you brought your sense of humor and a sturdy pair of curtains.\u201d\n
Days turned into weeks, and Lisa\u2019s laundry show became as regular as my morning coffee and about as welcome as a cold cup of joe with a splash of curdled milk.\n
Every day, a new assortment of panties made their debut outside my son\u2019s window, and every single day, I found myself playing an awkward game of \u201cshield the child\u2019s eyes.\u201d\n
One afternoon, as I was preparing a snack in the kitchen, Jake came bounding in, his face etched with confusion and excitement that made my mom-sense tingle with dread.\n
\u201cMom,\u201d he started, in that tone that always preceded a question I wasn\u2019t prepared for, \u201cwhy does Mrs. Lisa have so many different colored underwear? And why are some of them so small? With strings? Are they for her pet hamster?\n
I nearly dropped the knife I was using to spread peanut butter, imagining Lisa\u2019s reaction to the suggestion her delicates were rodent-sized.\n
\u201cWell, honey,\u201d I stammered, buying time, \u201ceveryone has different preferences for their clothes. Even the ones we don\u2019t usually see.\u201d\n
Jake nodded sagely as if I\u2019d imparted some great wisdom. \u201cSo, it\u2019s like how I like my superhero underwear, but grown-up? Does Mrs. Lisa fight crime at night? Is that why her underwear is so small? For aerodynamics?\u201d\n
I choked on air, caught between laughter and horror. \u201cUh, not exactly, sweetie. Mrs. Lisa isn\u2019t a superhero. She\u2019s just very confident.\u201d\n
\u201cOh,\u201d Jake said, looking slightly disappointed. Then his face lit up again.\n
\u201cBut Mom, if Mrs. Lisa can hang her underwear outside, can I hang mine too? I bet my Captain America boxers would look super cool flapping in the wind!\u201d\n
\u201cSorry, buddy,\u201d I said, ruffling his hair. \u201cYour underwear is special. It needs to stay hidden to, uh, protect your secret identity.\u201d\n
As Jake nodded and munched away on his snack, I stared out the window at Lisa\u2019s colorful undies display.\n
This couldn\u2019t go on. It was time to have a chat with our exhibitionist neighbor.\u00a0\ud83d\ude21\n
The next day, I marched over to Lisa\u2019s house.\n
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I rang the doorbell, plastering on my best \u201cconcerned neighbor\u201d smile, the same one I use when telling the HOA that \u201cno, my garden gnomes are not offensive, they\u2019re whimsical.\u201d\n
Lisa answered, looking like she\u2019d just stepped out of a shampoo commercial.\n
\u201cOh, hi there! Kristie, right?\u201d she frowned.\n
\u201cThat\u2019s right! Listen, Lisa, I hoped we could chat about something.\u201d\n
She leaned against the doorframe, eyebrow raised. \u201cOh? What\u2019s on your mind? Need to borrow a cup of sugar? Or maybe a cup of confidence?\u201d She glanced pointedly at my mom jeans and oversized t-shirt.\n
I took a deep breath, reminding myself that jail orange wasn\u2019t my color. \u201cIt\u2019s about your laundry. Specifically, where you hang it.\u201d\n
Lisa\u2019s perfectly plucked eyebrows furrowed. \u201cMy laundry? What about it? Is it too fashion-forward for the neighborhood?\u201d\n
\u201cWell, it\u2019s just that it\u2019s right in front of my son\u2019s window. The, um, underwear especially. It\u2019s a bit exposing. Jake\u2019s starting to ask questions. Yesterday, he asked if your thongs were slingshots.\u201d\n
\u201cOh, honey. They\u2019re just clothes! It\u2019s not like I\u2019m hanging up nuclear launch codes. Although, between you and me, my leopard print bikini bottoms are pretty explosive!\u201d\n
I felt my eye twitch. \u201cI understand, but Jake is only eight. He\u2019s curious. This morning, he asked if he could hang his Superman undies next to your, uh, \u2018crime-fighting gear\u2019.\u201d\n
\u201cWell, then, sounds like a perfect opportunity for some education. You\u2019re welcome! I\u2019m practically running a public service here. And why should I care about your son? It\u2019s my yard. Toughen up!\u201d\n
\u201cExcuse me?\u201d\n
Lisa waved her hand dismissively. \u201cListen, if you\u2019re that bothered by a few pairs of panties, maybe you need to loosen up. It\u2019s my yard, my rules. Deal with it. Or better yet, buy some cuter underwear. I could give you some tips if you\u2019d like.\u201d\n
And with that, she slammed the door in my face, leaving me standing there with my mouth open, probably catching flies.\n
I was stunned. \u201cOh, it is ON,\u201d I muttered, turning on my heel. \u201cYou want to play dirty laundry? Game on, Lisa. Game. On.\u201d\u00a0\ud83d\ude08\n
That night, I sat at my sewing machine.\n
Yards of the most garish, eye-searing fabric I could find lay before me. It was the kind of fabric that could probably be seen from space and might just attract alien life forms!\n
\u201cYou think your little lacy numbers are something to see, Lisa?\u201d I muttered, feeding the fabric through the machine. \u201cWait till you get a load of this. E.T. will phone home about these babies.\u201d\n
Hours passed, and finally, my masterpiece was complete \u2014 the world\u2019s largest, most obnoxious pair of granny panties.\u00a0\ud83e\udd23\n
They were big enough to be used as a parachute, loud enough to be seen from space, and just petty enough to make my point.\n
If Lisa\u2019s underwear was a whisper, mine was a foghorn in fabric form.\n
That afternoon, as soon as I saw Lisa\u2019s car pull out of her driveway, I sprang into action.\n
With my makeshift clothesline and giant flamingo undies ready, I scurried across our lawns, ducking behind shrubs and lawn ornaments.\n
With the coast clear, I strung up my creation right in front of Lisa\u2019s living room window. Stepping back to admire my handiwork, I couldn\u2019t help but grin.\n
The massive flamingo undies flapped majestically in the afternoon breeze. They were so large that a family of four could probably use them as a tent for camping.\n
\u201cTake that, Lisa,\u201d I whispered, scurrying back home. \u201cLet\u2019s see how you like a taste of your own medicine. Hope you brought your sunglasses, because it\u2019s about to get BRIGHT in the neighborhood.\u201d\n
Back in my house, I positioned myself by the window. I felt like a kid waiting for Santa, except instead of gifts, I was waiting for the moment Lisa would discover my little surprise.\n
The minutes ticked by like hours.\n
Just as I was wondering if Lisa had decided to extend her errands into a surprise vacation, I heard the telltale sound of her car pulling into the driveway.\n
Show time.\n
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\n
Lisa stepped out, arms full of shopping bags, and froze. Her jaw dropped so fast I thought it might detach. The bags slipped from her grasp, spilling contents across the driveway.\n
I swear I saw a pair of polka-dot underwear roll across the lawn. Classy, Lisa.\u00a0\ud83d\ude0f\n
\u201cWHAT THE HELL\u2026??\u201d she screeched, loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. \u201cIs that a parachute? Did the circus come to town?\u201d\n
I burst out laughing. Tears streamed down my face as I watched Lisa storm up to the giant undies, yanking at them futilely. It was like watching a chihuahua try to take down a Great Dane.\n
Composing myself, I strolled outside. \u201cOh, hi Lisa! Doing some redecorating? I love what you\u2019ve done with the place. Very avant-garde.\u201d\n
She whirled on me, face as pink as the undies of my creation. \u201cYou! You did this! What is wrong with you? Are you trying to signal aircraft?\u201d\n
I shrugged. \u201cJust hanging out some laundry. Isn\u2019t that what neighbors do? I thought we were starting a trend.\u201d\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t laundry!\u201d Lisa shrieked, gesturing wildly at the undies. \u201cThis is\u2026 this is\u2026\u201d\n
\u201cA learning opportunity?\u201d I suggested sweetly. \u201cYou know, for the neighborhood kids. Jake was very curious about the aerodynamics of underwear. I thought a practical demonstration might help.\u201d\n
Lisa\u2019s mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. Finally, she managed to sputter, \u201cTake. It. Down.\u201d\n
I tapped my chin thoughtfully. \u201cHmm, I don\u2019t know. I kind of like the breeze it\u2019s getting. Really airs things out, you know? Plus, I think it\u2019s bringing the property values up. Nothing says \u2018classy neighborhood\u2019 like giant novelty underwear.\u201d\n
For a moment, I thought Lisa might spontaneously combust. Then, to my surprise, her shoulders sagged. \u201cFine,\u201d she said through gritted teeth. \u201cYou win. I\u2019ll move my laundry. Just\u2026 please, take this monstrosity down. My retinas are burning.\u201d\n
I chuckled, extending my hand. \u201cDeal. But I have to say, I think flamingos are your color.\u201d\n
As we shook on it, I couldn\u2019t help but add, \u201cBy the way, Lisa? Welcome to the neighborhood. We\u2019re all a little crazy here. Some of us just hide it better than others.\u201d\n
From that day on, Lisa\u2019s laundry disappeared from the clothesline in front of Jake\u2019s window. She never mentioned it again, and I never had to deal with her \u201clife lessons\u201d either.\n
And me? Well, let\u2019s just say I now have a very interesting set of curtains made from flamingo fabric. Waste not, want not, right?\n
As for Jake, he was a bit disappointed that the \u201cunderwear slingshots\u201d were gone. But I assured him that sometimes, being a superhero means keeping your underwear a secret. And if he ever sees giant flamingo underwear flying in the sky? Well, that\u2019s just Mom saving the neighborhood, one ridiculous prank at a time!\u00a0\ud83d\ude09\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ah, suburbia! Where the grass is always greener on the other side, mainly because your neighbor\u2019s sprinkler system is better than yours. That\u2019s where I, Kristie, wife of Thompson, decided to plant my roots with my 8-year-old son, Jake. Life was as smooth as a freshly botoxed forehead until our new neighbor, Lisa, moved in …\n","protected":false},"author":30,"featured_media":83943,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[670],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-83940","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83940","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/30"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=83940"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83940\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":83944,"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/83940\/revisions\/83944"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/83943"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=83940"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=83940"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/echowoven.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=83940"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}